Mandatory Mandarin

     Firing empty blog bullets to win the blog Pulitz. Notebook full of decorated crushes serenaded by very-dated paintbrushes. Don't faint—blushes. Took out a few Hearts two months too soon. Too blunt to swoon. Three drunk at noon. Note to self: the red lines are for your own good. The new Lil Peach is fucking nutritious. They're called clementines, you know. It's like my own editor doesn't even read the Fork.

...[A]tlanta's own Lil Peach, hailing from some part of Southern California, but like—he's probably been to the ATL no? Fuck man, how'm I supposed to write this review without a press release? Fuck this shit Ryan, I'm off to Uproxx or some sh...

     It's crazy that they published this tantrum in the modern blog-climate. Dude didn't even know where the best orange rapper of 2K18 was from.
     Like I said: Pitchfork. They ignited King Peach as the new Fruitbearer and who am I to disagree? This blog is the struggling street vendor that gets run over in the latest Bay film. Whereas the local Cost Co-op just got an 8.9 from Big Citrus. All we can do here is farm new ideas; crêpe minds are here to sweeten the deal. I'm seeking a $200,000 loan for 4% equity and a new editor who has a special connection to the modern 12-year-old. Security, please, it was quite obvious what I meant. These vulnerable youths aren't going to market to themselves. Who am I to say that this old-ass blog wouldn't work better as a Minecraft reaction video? Who am I to say that the rest of this post shouldn't be mandatory DLC?

CLICK TO CONTINUE

Thank you for your generous contribution. Lil Peach has been unlocked.

Stats

Attack: 10/10

Defense: 10/10

Weaknesses: Some nerd will call you "OP" because his broke lil bitch-ass can't afford to use mommy's credit card to compete with the big boys.

Thank you, kids. Check your Steam account for a generous 1% off coupon for your next purchase over $100. Fortnite rulez.